Poor healing

“It is our choices that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

Albus Dumbledore

I had my wisdom teeth removed 12 days ago now. The surgery went great, and for two days my pain was actually not horrible. The third day however; started the now nightmare. The pain started to get worse and I couldn’t eat anything except Jello, pudding, and applesauce. On Friday I decided to go back to see if there was something wrong. For one thing, I have dry socket and I found out that I am healing very slowly because the holes should be healed or almost healed by then; mine where still gaping holes. It is now Wednesday and I am still unable to eat anything. I have to have Ensure high protein shakes, which I hate. Not only have I had to drink more than someone should in a life time because of when I was in multiple treatment centers for my eating disorder, they taste HORRIBLE. I have lost 10 pounds because of this. No, I am not going to lie; I love that I’ve lost weight. I do not however love that my disordered thoughts are creeping into action when it has, for the most part, been on the back burner for a while. I have no energy, I’m hungry, and I am dizzy and/or winded when ever I move which makes it very difficult to do even the simplest tasks. Yesterday I felt like I was going to pass out when going up three flight of stairs to my class. Not to mention my brain feels like it is unable to focus or understand school work because of the lack of nutrition.

I have felt for this past week that I need to keep pushing and faulting myself because I am not doing what I normally can do. All weekend I was angry at myself and feeling overwhelmed to the point of feeling like I wanted to give up because of my black and white thinking that I wouldn’t be able to finish the semester because of how behind I was. I felt like I should do more when really, I was already pushing myself to the limit. When I think realistically, I know I able doing the best I can in this situation. I took the quote above and really thought about it for a bit. I have always loved this quote and have applied it to many struggles that have set me back or made me feel like I wasn’t smart or strong enough.

Now, I close my eyes and take a deep breath as I let the “not doing enough” thought roll through. Now, its time to make a plan; including time to rest.

yours truly

Jamie

Wisdom Teeth and Anxiety

Today is Friday the 8th of November. It is 7:30 in the morning and my surgery is at 10 am. As the time approaches, my anxiety starts to boil to the surface. I tell myself to calm down; its only removing my wisdom teeth so I shouldn’t be worried. I have had surgery before and have been under sedation so why is this different? Maybe its the fear of the unknown pain I will have to endure after the fact, or maybe because I read the fine print and the risk of brain damage, etc. I know logically that it is a very low risk but the wrath of my anxiety hyper-focuses on that one aspect. The feeling of knots in my stomach and my head spinning over the worst case scenario quickens mt breath; rise, fall, rise fall. Time to put on the brakes and think logically. It is a straight forward procedure; safe and quick.

My anxiety can be a beast, just like by bipolar depression, eating disorder, and PTSD. I seem to surprise myself when i am now able to manage these feelings, thoughts, and urges.

I will most likely be absent from writing for a few days while recovering. Wish me luck!

Yours truly,

Jamie

My First Blog Post

Keep Moving Forward

You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.

– Marcus Aurelius

Two weeks of stress; two weeks of testing my strength. I am a 27 year old recovering ( almost three years strong) anorexic. I have been through more than I should in a lifetime, but this post will not be going back in time. I find that looking back keeps you from moving forward. I have debated creating a blog for some time but life gets busy and I never got to it. I have always loved to write and writing in a journal has always been a safe haven.

Okay, here we go. I have made my life worth living; for over a decade of my life I was a slave to my own mind; consumed my mental illness. When I was 24 which is almost three and a half years ago, I had to make a choice. I could stay in self-destruction mode or find my courage that I knew I had buried deep within my being. I choose life, and man was that hard fight, but day after day I became more and more confident in myself. Soon after I met my now Fiance who is basically the male me. We both LOVE Harry Potter and he proposed in Harry Potter world at Universal Studios.

Alright, fast forward to now. My life has been great and of course there are ups and downs in life, but overall I am the happiest I have ever been. We have had a hard few months with unfortunate events. Our dog who is my life and my fur son, was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure at the end of July. He is half Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and unfortunately is very common in that breed. He has had two “heart failure episodes” since. (We are very broke now just to put the price in perspective.) The last on he had was last Monday; this is where we really begin.

On Tuesday I was able to get my baby from the hospital and he was doing great; I couldn’t be more grateful. Unfortunately, my string of problems were just starting. Tuesday night my shoulder started hurting. It was odd because I haven’t done anything to screw it up; except having Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome/hyper- mobility type. Which means constant joint pain and injuries. I go to my primary physician; turns out I strained my shoulder. (Great…) Then on Friday my teeth start hurting so I had to go get my teeth checked. My dentist who I have had for years says “Jamie, you can’t put off getting your wisdom teeth out.” So, tomorrow (Friday) I will be getting them out. Lets pay for more things we can’t afford.

I try to reflect and calm myself down and then thought of the quote above. I may have a mess of things happening right now, but if I keep moving and pushing myself to embrace that there are going to be times in life that suck and are hard and stressful, but as long as I keep picking myself up, take care of myself, take one day at a time I will preserver. I am strong. I am courageous. I am Brave.

Your truely,

Jamie

About Me

Hello All!

My name is Jamie, just your not so average 27 year old woman and I have now decided to make a personal blog.

I plan to use my blog for many purposes. First, I will have a almost journal like blog posts, but I hope that in my endless rambling I can help anyone or show that who ever relates to them that they are not alone. I have a few ideas up my sleeve but it will be a surprise. (yes I know what I’m doing)

Anyway, I hope that you enjoy my blog and find it possibly helpful. (Or, ya know, a laugh… I’m joking) I can be sarcastic, my humor is dry and sometimes witty… but mostly I come up with a witty remark after the fact… in the shower.

Yours Truly

Jamie